Random shit for your muse to say to mine:

“Dude don’t tweet those dick pics.”
“Please just take my word for this, werewolves do not like it when you put them in diapers.”
“I have to pee like a god damn bitch.”
“I tattooed your name on my ass.”
“I can’t afford to pay you for your time, but may I offer you a free puppy instead?”
“Your handwriting looks like a snake got a happy ending massage.”
“I will drown you in cheap wine and bury you in used cigarettes.”
“I would literally rather suck Satan’s dick than sit through that class one more day.”
“Did my left boob get bigger or did the right one shrink?”
“You taste like burnt popcorn and smell like fudge.”
“Don’t use carmex in place of lube.”
“This is the shittiest mascara I have ever wasted ten bucks on.”
“If I were Miz Frizzle you’d never make it back from our field trip.”
“I will pay you thirty-eight cents to take off all your clothes right this very second.”
“Is killing my professor so there’s no class tomorrow worth the jail time I’ll have to serve?”
“All that is gold glitters like it’s worth a shit ton of money.”
“Don’t fucking piss on my bed.”
“Which level of hell am I going to for filling his shoes with Legos?”
“I convinced him you’re a vampire so pretty please drink this cup of blood in front of him? I promise you it’s not real. Probably. I don’t think. I mean, what’s life without a couple of risks anyway?”
“I’m tickled like a porcupine in July.”
“I wanna be buried in glitter.”
“I mean, I certainly don’t wanna live in denial personally but I promise I’ll come visit you sometimes.”
“Bill Nye couldn’t even help you.”
“I need you to bring me a new set of clothes and a hug.”
“So help me if you say another word I am voting your dumbass off friendship island.”
“How much money will it take to get you to let me dye your hair half bright pink and half neon green?”
“Fuck Katy Perry and her lies; that mascara is the shittiest thing ever.”
“I don’t think you understand how lesbians work.”