‘stupid shit my friend has said to me’ sentence starters

ofhotheads:

DISCLAIMER: This was my friend’s idea. Her name has been removed to protect the innocent guilty. Most of these are probably gonna be NSFW. And yes, these all have actually been said to me.

• “For the record, I have not used a flute as a dildo. Yet.”
• “If you haven’t seen ‘Back to the Future’, I can’t even look at you.”
  
• “I’m pretty sure ‘Heathers’ is just an elaborate plot put together from Tumblr textposts.”
  
• “I’m going to fuck a vampire, BTW.”
  
• “I wish I was friends with me so I could enjoy how hilarious I am without hating me.”
  
• “I’m exactly like that shitpostgenerator blog but I was made by God instead of whoever made the shitpostgenerator blog.”
  
• “Remember the gay cat ebook I told you about?”
  

• “Do you ever see a character and you have some obscenely sexual thought and you just have to step back for a second and examine what life choices led you to a life of constant sin?”
  

• “I’m ready to get fucked in the ass tonight.”
  
• “Nope. Not okay. This is 0% okayness.”
  
• “If you brought a ton of pads you could stick them all over your clothes and be a knight.”
  
• “We’re having swagetti and memeballs.”
  
• “Being friends with me is like being friends with the third page of a Google search.”
  
• “Is Macbeth a number?”
  
• “Go, find a bird, and FIGHT IT.”
  
• “I cannot be bothered. I am reading gay things.”
  
• “I just got punched in the butthole.”
  
• “Ducktective is my best friend.”
  
• “Tell me all about your hella Mary Sue self-insert character. Don’t lie, I know you had one.”
  
• “So last night [name] was impersonating my cat…”
  
• “Okay, so if it’s not gay if it’s on the moon, is it gay if it’s WITH the moon?”
  
• “What do you think bears dream about?”
  
• “If you have an objection, you have to show the jury your boobs.”
  
• “We can recite poetry together.”
  
• “That was one of the most douchey-rich-kid things I’ve ever said.”
  
• “Want to join a group chat where we send each other pics and make comments like the ones on Nicki Minaj’s Instagram?”
• “Drugs need hugs, too.”
  
• “What if I get double pregnant? Will one cancel the other out?”
  
• “[TXT:] I AM OUT CAMPING AND I HAVE TO PEE BUT I WAS SLEEPING IN THE CAR AND I CAN FIND MY SHOES OR FLASHLIGHT I AM IN    H E L L”
  
• “Cats can notice a mouse from like three yards away, but put a fuckin’ treat on the ground and they can smell it but they can’t find it without me fucking picking him up and putting his head right in front of it.”
  
• “Why did he let you in on my awesome prank idea? We would’ve pranked you SO HARD.”