in this post, i will detail my rankings and reasons thereof of the sluttiness level of every character in hamlet, or their “ho ratio,” if you will,
well no one actually wrote the ho ratio so i guess i’ll do it:
hamlet: spends most of his time being emo but is always down to flirt with ophelia or horatio. also hamlet isn’t impulsive he puts too much time into double entendres and not enough into actual hoeing. 5/10.
ophelia: only shows interest in hamlet and tells him to stop making sex jokes. 1/10.
polonius: this man is sexually attracted to the sound of his own voice. he couldn’t care less about being a hoe. 0/10.
horatio: my mans hoe ratio who inspired this post is super gay and ready to die for hamlet but gets caught up in the Drama™ of it all. when hamlet dies he gives a really gay speech to horatio homeboy was getting it until claudius ruined it all. 4/10.
laertes: laertes is supposed to be a foil for hamlet so i imagine rather than being emo laertes is more of a yolo kind of guy. we don’t see too much of him in hamlet because he heads to france for school (read: to get laid). 7/10.
claudius: this man really cuckolded his own brother then proceeded to kill him so he could openly fuck his sister in law. who does that? 9/10.
gertrude: this woman’s husband dies and 3 months later she’s officially married to his brother? gertrude played hamlet sr so she could get twice the royal dick what an icon. 10/10.
fortinbras: just wants some revenge without this dumb family drama. let him be. 1/10.
rosencrantz and guildenstern: were definitely doing it when not working for claudius. would’ve had a threesome with hamlet if he just asked. 3/10.
BLESS
In the production i saw, as laertes was going off to france, ophelia pulls out like 20 condoms from his suitcase so yeah this is accurate and supported by textual evidence 10/10 good list have a nice day op
@cuddlytogas what say you?
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